All you Hollywood Producers and Directors scouring the reactionary blogosphere for hit-movie ideas have finally found your needle in the haystack.

In a world where the press spins sensationalist stories in which NSA employee abuse various Signals Intelligence databases to snoop on their adulterous wives and girlfriends (before inevitably getting caught and disciplined, and which of course every no lawyer with access to Lexis or Westlaw does with impunity).  They call it LOVINT (not really a common term).  But it’s really LUSTINT or JEALOUSINT.  But whom do you really LOVE enough to want to INT them?

So … dig this pitch.  A group of very alpha-male looking military intelligence analyst coworkers spend their lunches in the OPS2 cafeteria collectively worrying about their teenage kids.  They’ve tried to be good role-models, but they work long hours and frequently travel abroad, defending the country against terrorists and what-not, and they’re worried about that the next youthful indiscretion could become an irreversible mistake.  That their little Hannah Montanas will turn into carousel-riding, attention whore Miley Cyruses.

‘Remember what happened to George’s daughter last year’ – ‘Yeah man, that’s exactly what I’m talking about, that was so tragic and random.  I hope I can keep my own daughter from making the same mistake.  But how?  I can’t be there to protect and watch over her all the time…. well, I mean … wait a minute.’


Oh you know they are! “Gentlemen, I have a proposal …”

Hilarity ensures!  It’s PARINT (or, in the alternative ‘PARINTING’).

Yes, I know, it’s such a good idea the script writes itself, but Handle’s already got one ready for you to exploit before this particular news cycle rolls over, so respect his assertions of copyright and put him on the payroll.

The good news is that the scale of Snowden’s actions and Greenwald’s drip-feed will be the gift that keeps on giving with free press for your film.  Did I say ‘free press’?  Yes I did!

For extra depth, you could have representatives from the broader intelligence community take part.  Human Intelligence (interrogations!) Counter Intelligence (polygraphs! tracking devices!) Geospatial Intelligence (real-time google maps!), Imagery Intelligence (drones!), and Signals and Cyber Intelligence (emails, Skypes, Twitter, Facebook, phone calls, texts, you name it!).

Catchphrase 1: “She’s going out on a date; He’s collecting meta-data”.  Yeah – the date-data link needs work.

Catchphrase 2: “Dad’s using PRISM, to keep his son out of PRISON”.  Ugh – even worse.

Hey, hey, everybody’s a critic – it’s just brainstorming.  Ok, we’ll let the marketing guys figure those out.

There’s shades of “This Means War” and of course a rip-off off an homage to Di Niro’s character in “Meet the Parents” is a must.  Try to throw in some tall lanky WASPY types and definitely some guy with a British accent.

Lot’s of opportunities for forbidden good-girl / bad-boy or Romeo and Juliet forbidden teenage romance themes, and also that great Daddy-daughter reconciliation, ‘it’s the thought that counts and I only did it because I love you so much because you’re still my baby girl’ at the end.  Hey, maybe even a little matchmaker storyline combined with “Can’t Buy Me Love” and some Cyrano de Bergerac action, to help feed the clueless beta niceguy the intel he needs to score the hot babe.

Possibilities, possibilities.  People, it’s solid gold.

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7 Responses to PARINT

  1. nickbsteves says:

    Let’s hope Bill Kaufmann is reading this.

  2. Pingback: This Week in Reaction | The Reactivity Place

  3. B says:

    >group of very alpha-male looking military intelligence analyst

    AHAHAHAAHA…oh, boy.

    I think an actual tv show about the NSA and most of the rest of the DC-based intelligence complex would be a mix of Yes, Minister and Superbad.

    • Handle says:

      Very true, but through the magic of Hollywood …

      • B says:

        Yeah, but it would be more entertaining if it were realistic.

        For instance, I once met an Army sergeant working as a linguist at the NSA who told me he loved his job; he was free to research whatever targets he wanted, create his own mission, etc. (within the limits of the law and the overall mission, of course.) The way he was able to work this was that, being a handsome and fit (married) young man, he would flirt with his boss, an overweight 40-something cat lady, and keep her hoping that one day…one sweet day…When I pointed out to him that this was a pretty degrading and humiliating situation to be in, that he was only a degree away from being a gigolo and banging lonely grannies, he stopped talking to me.

        Other notable residents of the Fort I’ve met included a fat single mother whom the military, in its infinite wisdom, put through two years of language and other training and made a colonel’s secretary, and another one who referred to her German Shepherds as her kids, while wholeheartedly avowing that she never wanted children. These are the military personnel, who have been at least somewhat filtered for physical fitness and mental adjustment. The civilians are (supposedly) worse.

        In general, I’ve only met a handful of normal people from there, and they all seemed like the protagonist of Officespace-traumatized by sociopathic reptiloid superiors and alienated by Milton-like coworkers. Only one guy (a disgruntled captain) showed any real capacity for independent thought; I asked him how the hell the US was paying for what we saw in Iraq in the middle of the surge, as my taxes had not increased in the slightest, and he proceeded to explain US fiscal policy, Austrian economics, etc. to me. I would suppose that the other agencies are similar, the only difference being more testosterone and extroversion in the HUMINT side. The most surprising thing to me is how the Manning and Snowden things took so long to materialize-when your organization is heavily composed of freaks, Gresham’s Law starts to apply.

        • Handle says:

          It all really follows the contours of the rest of three-digit-IQ society (it’s Lake Wobegon, everyone is above average – I don’t think I’ve met anyone below GS-12).
          On the civilian side there are three groups.
          1. Lower bureaucracy, Human Resources, Lower Managers, the rules-compliance brigade and the paperwork filing and shuffling support class.
          2. Technicals – lots of socially-awkward geeks but who are very skilled at their particular task.
          3. Uppers – Managers, Directors, Staff, Seniors, Executives, GS-14/15, Lawyers, Policy people, etc.)

          The uppers are some of the most talented, motivated, competent, and hard-working people I’ve ever met in my life.
          The technicals are often creative geniuses in their own little realm, often with lots of side-interests and a tendency to form little hobby groups.
          The paperwork mafia is like it is anywhere else in the government, except a bit smarter and more polite because they’re the kind of people who can maintain high-level clearances.

          The military personnel form an entirely different structure, but most of the officers tend to be young uppers, and in fact, a large chunk of the uppers are ex-officers.

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